Wednesday, January 27, 2010

A Day of Inspiration

I did not wake up this morning thinking, "Today I will be inspired." I believe the thought that I had when I woke up (briefly) this morning was, "Why in the heck did he pick THAT as his alarm ringtone". I guess, since it woke me up out of a dead sleep I can understand why. No, today started off pretty much the same way as every other day. I drug myself out of my nice warm bed and shivered into my pajama bottoms. (I absolutely can not sleep with something wrapped around my legs!) Then I dragged myself downstairs where I was met by Daisy the dancing doggy ready to go out and started the hub's coffee. I do this every morning, I don't know why, but I love making his coffee. I don't even drink coffee. Anyway, I digress. After I got Dennis off on his long drive to Georgia and the girls off to school I settled in to do a little catching up on my favorite blogs. I checked in with Marvelous Martha, Sweet Savannah, and The Lettered Cottage. I got an update on a dear friend, Mike, who is fighting the good fight against cancer. Always saving the best for last, I headed on over to The Pioneer Woman. I have what is fast becoming an unhealthy addiction to Ree, the Marlboro Man, and their punks. Not to mention Charlie the basset hound wonder. Anyway, I usually just go straight to the Confessions or Photography page and get my fix, but today I decided to finally read the back story on The Pioneer Woman. By the second entry I was hooked. I literally sat here in my pajamas all day reading as her epic love story unfolded. (I was supposed to be sorting through things for the move. Man there are a lot of parentheses in this story.) In my defense, I did get some sorting done too. Anyway, so I sat here reading Black Heels to Tractor Wheels with the same intensity I lent to the Twilight saga and I began to think back to my own whirlwind courtship and engagement. Well, the courtship was a whirlwind, but the engagement was a more than respectable year. I remembered how in love we were and how that was all that mattered. I love Den even more today than I did then, but in a different way. A way that has become more about the kids and less about us. Lately, in a way, I have been mourning the us that used to be. I realize how gloomy this all sounds, so let me reassure you that all is well in Haggis land. But I don't remember the last time we went on a date or did anything remotely romantic. Reading Ree's tale inspired me to search for that fire that we used to be. Somewhere under the layers of playdates, and deployments, and that last bit of stubborn baby fat that I am quickly resigning myself to being mine forever the spark is still there. We need to find it and we need to build it and stoke it and bring it back to life. I don't want to end up 10 or 15 years down the road as one of those couples who only had the children between them and then when the children are gone there is nothing left. That scares me. The problem with my epiphany is this. I am a great big chicken. I may not even post this because I am writing it in a fit of raw emotion. I don't like putting myself out there. I like the safety of keeping my feelings to myself and simply smiling and nodding my way through life. That being said, I am not always the best communicator of my feelings and Den is not always the most patient of listeners. My inspiration from Pioneer Woman today came from the fact that she was brave enough to put everything she had planned for her life on hold to give love a chance. I am inspired by her courage and I only hope that I can keep my uncharacteristic willingness to lay it all out there going until he gets back next week. This is SO not a conversation to have over the phone. "Hey babe, how was your day?" "Oh, I had this massive epiphany about our relationship and a day of inspiration and self awareness. Let me tell you all about it." There aren't enough cell phone minutes in the world. LOL. The bottom line of this whole blithering monologue is this. I love that man more than anything in the world and I want to be with him until happily ever after.

Anyway, on to my other inspiring encounters for today. We had a wonderful guest storyteller tonight after the Wednesday night dinner at church. Her name was Hannah Shively and her story about a little boy named Timmy who let God out of his box was so very moving. My personal relationship with God is another area of my life that has been troubling me of late. I have been feeling unworthy of His love and His sacrifice but am kind of at a loss as to explain why. I wasn't raised in church. I can't throw around bible verses and have deep theological discussions like my brother-in-law can. I don't pray out loud. (Mostly because my prayers are deeply personal and aren't always about things that I am ready to share with anyone else). But I know Jesus as my personal savior and have experienced things in my life that can only be explained as answer to prayer. Like, I said, though, I don't feel like I KNOW God. I realize that the best way to know Him is through the Word, but I feel so insecure in my faith that I am overwhelmed with even figuring out where to start. Tonight's story lit my path. In Mark 10, Jesus says, "Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it." I need to approach God as a child would. I need to step back and marvel in the wonder that is the Lord and his gifts to his people. I need to open my heart and my mind to his word and I need to let Him guide my path to knowledge of Him. There is enlightenment around the corner for me. I can feel it.

My final inspiration for the evening came much later this evening. I was reading through some more blogs when I stumbled across the blog of a man named Brady Sullivan. I had heard of the Sullivan family briefly a while back and that the wife, Sara, had passed away from cancer at a very young age not long after giving birth to their daughter. I again found myself immersed in a love story, but of a very different nature. As I read back through Brady's posts about the pain of losing his beloved Sara and the challenges of being a new young father all on his own, I was again inspired. I am inspired by a woman I have never met and will never meet until God calls me home. She was a delight to everyone who knew her and it makes me a little sad that I never got the chance to know her. I am inspired by Brady's strength and faith in a situation that is so horrible that even the thought of it cripples me. It was a nice summing up of my epiphanies earlier in the day. I can't explan why, it just seems to fit.

I posted a few weeks ago on Facebook that I could feel the winds of change coming. At the time I was talking about a new house on the horizon. I really just posted it to mess with people. I like to do that from time to time. As I sit here tonight I realize that the winds of change ARE coming. It's a little scary because I think they are going to be blowing me out of my comfort zone and into some uncharted territory. It's time, though. I don't know what it's time for, just that it's time for it.

1 comment:

  1. Love the look, and love the feel.

    Let's be out of our comfort zones together. I think you are truly stupendous and amazing and I am blessed to call you friend!